Had a conversation the other night that has me thinking deeply about life in general. I have the moments when i look at my life, and realize it is less that i want it to be. I sense i have missed something fundamental about life. The conversation i had was about how all people desire community, to be a part of something bigger, but shy away from it from fear of being rejected by it. We talked about how so many people are lonely, but the risk seems to outway the reward, and the keep isolated.
It is such an American thing to let entertainment soothe the ache of loneliness. I see it with myself; there are nights i would choose to watch a good movie, or TV show, rather than spend time letting someone truly know who i am. You get all the positives of relationship; you laugh sometimes, the excitement of a good story. Don't get me wrong; i am not dissing movies or TV, i just think it takes an unhealthy role in our (my) life sometimes. I realize that i have to be entertained ALL THE TIME! I crave it, and when i spend any time alone in quiet, it feels unnatural. I hurry up to find something else to do/watch, so i don't have to hear myself think, and actually analyze my life; who i am becoming, where my life is leading, what my dreams are, my interests, artistic expression. I don't know; it just shouldn't suprise me that i wake up to find myself boring, and at times feel like there is not much i have to give.
"Do not be decieved, God is not mocked. You reap what you sow...if you sow to the flesh, from the flesh you will reap death, but if you sow to the spirit, you will reap life"...I did not look it up, so this might not be verbatim, but all this i've been thinking about reminded me of this verse. I want to be part of a community of people who love each other, and live life together, but it will not happen if I am spending my alone time increasing my skill level on Halo 3, or watching a whole season of "The Office" (yes i have, in one sitting). I want to sow the seeds of community and relationship; and i want to risk being knowned and not loved, for the reward of being knowned and loved. I want to reach out to people who can't help themselves out of the destructive ruts life tends to bring...I don't know; it's late and i am being idealistic...I guess i just want more from life than i am experiencing now. I want to "find that which is life indeed".
Kelly D.
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